Ice Cream Diets

And other life choices that are good for your health

by Corey Saucier

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I keep strange hours lately. Trying to get something out of my system I guess…. It is 2 a.m. in my favorite part of the morning…. I am watching “Birth of a Movement” on PBS. I am catching up on my African-American History and eating sour gummy bears in my oversized, unsexy plain-colored underwear. I have watched The 13th twice…and am trying trying to find a bootleg copy of I Am Not Your Negro, because black is beautiful, Black Lives Matter, and because we cannot change the future without more completely understanding the past. So I’m hanging out at home in my not-cute-not-pink underwear, doing my best to be a progressive Black revolutionary; you know, because RightNowThisVerySecond the world needs more Black revolutionaries. But despite being so intellectual, and political, and sexy (in my not-bright-not-pink-not-bikini cut underwear), I can’t have (actual) sex for three days…because I have chlamydia.

I don’t know how you feel about chlamydia, but I am not a fan!

I have made peace with my HIV; in fact I am often proud of my status (even more so now that it has been proven that being HIV-positive and Undetectable is the safest status one can have). So it’s not that I’m anti-STI! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pro-STI either! But I am okay with some STIs…. I’m comfortable with herpes, (even though I technically don’t have it), I’m on speaking terms with HPV: I’ve had my backside refurbished several times because of it, so we are not best friends but we are polite in public—but gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis still bother me. Maybe I’m still fighting against our culture’s anti-sex campaigns in the eighties, but the minor infections still squeak me out! Gonorrhea is gross!

So yeah, I have chlamydia. And this five-day “time out” has me thinking that perhaps I need to make some lifestyle changes.

Lately I’ve been really inspired by a very specific porn star. Let’s for the sake of anonymity say his name is Bryan Yummies. And let’s say for the sake of chastity that Bryan Yummies really likes vanilla ice cream. I mean he really likes it! He likes it so much he will take a scoop of vanilla ice cream from anyone. And in a year he takes so many scoops of vanilla ice cream it’s kind of unbelievable. And he says that in the whole year of taking ice cream scoops from thousands of generous strangers, he didn’t catch chlamydia once.

Which is understandable because you can’t get chlamydia from ice cream.

But I love vanilla ice cream too!! I’m cute, but I’m no porn star, so the amount of vanilla cream I get from strangers is embarrassingly low…. But I’ve had more than three STIs in the last calendar year. So either he is really really lucky, or perhaps he really is just eating ice cream…. Either way, I need to change my life.

Perhaps mapping my life after the exploits of a porn star was not the best idea. Oprah, T.D. Jakes, and Bryan Yummies…these are my three spirit animals!

So now the responsible thing to do is to contact my partners….

First is my favorite regular top, who always stops by in the mornings….

“Hey, buddy, heads up. I’ve been put in a chlamydia time-out. You might want to go get tested.” You know, trying to keep it casual and nonchalant. (Because if you have sex there is always a risk that you may catch a little something….)

“What’s chlamydia?!” was his response.

WHAT’S CHLAMYDIA?!!

WHAT’S CHLAMYDIA?!!

If you ever get this response in a text, your life has taken a turn in the wrong direction.

I need to go back to church. I need to pray to Oprah, I need to watch more Black revolutionary documentaries. I need to go see Get Out! I need to stop lionizing Porn Stars. And probably most of all, I need to stop accepting vanilla ice cream scoops from strangers on the Internet. (Two years ago I was such a goody two shoes—Go back. Check. It’s true.) Though I’lll probably never be that square again, chlamydia every three months is not a cute look. I may need those antibiotics some day!

Bye to all the free ice cream…

I’m going on a diet for a while.

What on Earth will I do with all the extra free time?


Corey Saucier is an artist and writer living in Los Angeles. He is a Lambda Literary Fellow in Fiction and Non-Fiction and is currently penning his first novel. His musings and wanderings on Love, Life, and Nonsense can be found at www.justwords.tumblr.com.