For the Love of French Fries

(Though healthier choices may be in order)

by Corey Saucier

I am not being sex negative.

I promise.

I know it sounds like I am about to say something about reducing partners, and choosing higher quality pairings, and I’m sure one out of ten dentists will interpret it as a criticism of the current hookup culture. But if they do, they have entirely missed the point. And this is probably why no one goes to dentists for sexual advice.

This is not sex negativity.

I am a fan of sex. In fact, I am a jock-wearing, penis-obsessed, 2-gage PA-having champion of sex. My name has been written reverentially in black magic marker across certain well trafficked glory-hole-filled restroom walls: “For a good time contact Corey Saucier the sex king.”

And trust me every time my name is posted on some dirty bareback “Quick Connect” wall like a hand-crafted personal note for exactly what Bill and Bob and Jerry and Andre and Tyreke were needing, you should know, that I have earned every bit of esteem my name fosters when whispered in hush tones like the answer to an exam from masked stranger to masked stranger over the thick musk of lust, testosterone, and lovely congealed white puddles on the floor (that through some sad series of unfortunate events managed to miss their intended target). I am the classic reference of Margaret Cho’s “AssMaster!“ and there is not a sex negative bone in my body. But fast food is not a healthy aspect of the human diet. I think perhaps it’s not good for the system to eat so much low-quality quick and easy sex ordered from free apps at two in the morning.

This is just a thought.

I may have wandered just a tad away from the path of my point.

Lets start with French fries.

Oh, that all things that mattered would begin and end with French fries—hot, golden, lightly salted, French fries.

How many more times can I get away with writing “French fries” before the integrity of this article deteriorates.

You can only have so many French fries (no matter how good the sex, no matter how pretty the person, or how pure your intentions) before the meal is no longer healthy—and you might have to consider a healthier side dish.

French fries are delicious, cheap, and easy (even vegan) but they are not healthy and do not nurture the body.

Okay, again I think I may have been distracted by America’s very favorite snack.

But what about the other kind of snack. PrEP has made us so much braver. Undetectable like some prayer answered thirty-years too late has finally made us all safer. And because penicillin and amoxicillin still works for most of us, the boys are doing triple summersaults and blindfolded backflips with no nets; and it’s a beautiful thing to see. It’s like when processed food became the answer to world hunger and the beautiful blue eye shadowed White wives of the 1950’s were able to cook a three-course meal in less than five minutes and the “TV dinner” revolutionized the “family meal.”

So easy.

So fast.

And Salisbury steak for EVERYONE!

And then we all got fat and diabetic.

So yes this is a magical time. We can order any kind of sex we want, with any of the most beautiful and double-jointed men on the planet, and have them delivered to your home in under thirty minutes, and it is FREE! But I wonder if we are all starting to get fat. Not that there is anything wrong with getting fat. I like my men thick. I love to order a 250 pound, 5’5” bearded Top for a late night snack when I’m bored and feeling hungry.

But if you are anything like myself you have ordered from the same restaurant five times this week—and because everything is so good (and did I mention free) you keep trying new meals from off the menu—and it’s starting to become a habit—and the neighbors are noticing that the delivery man is at your door every night at ungodly hours (sometimes more than once)—and the plastic wrappers are piling up in your bedroom—and even the sexiest thing on the menu is now old hat—and you keep trying to spice it up with more and more hot sauce—and your friends are worried about you. You don’t even put on pants to open the door anymore. And the last time you were offered a delicious home cooked meal by a beautiful Norwegian with red hair and twinkling eyes, you didn’t return his call and just ordered your favorite thing off of Scruff again.

And this is a problem.

And it doesn’t even have anything to do with HIV or promiscuity or risk. (And I PROMISE I’M NOT BEING SEX NEGATIVE). But it is too much cheap junk food. And we must start making healthier choices; and remembering what it means to eat real food again.

Love and Light

Corey Saucier is an artist and writer living in Los Angeles. He is a Lambda Literary Fellow in Fiction and Non-Fiction and is currently penning his first novel. His musings and wanderings on Love, Life, and Nonsense can be found at