The Revolution Might Actually Be Plant-Based

0
685

Don’t Tell the President
Investing in Plant-Based Resistance May Just Save My Future
by Corey Saucier

My bathroom looks like the worst kind of murder scene! I am staring blank-faced in the mirror looking like Carrie after she was drenched in pig’s blood! Despite this horror show, I still have the thought: “Damn you look cute!” It’s 12:30 on a Sunday afternoon. Last week Kanye West announced himself as the new Christian messiah; two weeks from next week the popular kids in Congress will be trying to impeach the Commander in Chief for minor “crimes against humanity,” and RIGHTNOWTHISVERYSECOND there are spots of pure pigment splattered all over everything; pink blotches here and there on my walls; random patterns all over the tile and linoleum, like some beautiful Rorschach test; smears of violent violet streaks across the mirror, and magenta stains dripping all over my chest and back like a Jackson Pollock paining. It’s a terrifying mess. It currently looks like a blood bath with the blue saturation knob turned all the way up on the television because I am dyeing my forty-two year old too-grey beard a bright vibrant purple: “Arctic Fox Violet Dream” to be exact (don’t worry, it’s vegan and cruelty-free). I am committing this crazy act of strange cosmetology because all signs are pointing to the end of the world; and if the end is (as they say) nigh, I want to die climbing above my station, breaking all the rules, and looking like a badass anarchist who fought against the powers that be! I refuse to be a sheep——not even a black one.

(Plus, Black girls look sexy as hell with purple hair.)

Let’s shatter the systems and burn them down.

Don’t tell President KraTrump (or any other member of our ridiculous two-party oligarchy) but while fires were being murdered and people were burning in Chile, Indonesia, Hong Kong, Peru, Haiti, Lebanon, Syria, Israel, Nicaragua, Puerto Rico, Brazil, Iraq and every other place where “The Nothing” is devouring Fantasia, I may or may not, have bought my first share of stock! I think plant-based “meat” is going to be HUGE! So I own exactly one percent of whatever is the sellable percent of Beyond Beef Inc. (Please make your purchases accordingly. Help out ya boy!) Wait is that insider trading? Does this count as manipulating the markets? Have I finally graduated to the status of rich White woman? Is Martha Stewart going to invite me to her vineyard for cucumber sandwiches and some of those useless craft projects that upper-crust folks are so obsessed with?

No, telling folks to support your business is not wrong; that’s capitalism. And this country LOVES capitalism! But you know what it doesn’t like? Poor people participating in the back end of the system. And I know you think I’m joking. Or you know, being one of those Black people who think that the government is a racist system of White supremacy? But these are the facts: Purchasing stock and participating in the market from a position of power goes against my poor person contract. No really: I sign a contract every couple of years with the government that says I have to “disclose” if I ever purchase stock. And I cannot (without their permission) save more than $2,000?

The system sucks!

Now you don’t really need to know all of my business (don’t be so nosey) but I have been HIV-positive for about twenty years; I’ve been disabled for most of that; and I’ve been Black all my life. So suffice it to say, I have a very intimate relationship with poverty and living on a fixed income. I also know that the government hates me. (If you are reading this, it probably hates you too.)

Obviously I’m brilliant and beautiful and “I dance like I have diamonds at the meeting of my thighs” (and if you are reading this you probably do too), but the systems that sustain my welfare and health also make sure that I stay poor and sick. They make everything complicated and hard to navigate; my clothes are second-hand and my teeth are falling out; they’ve stopped giving pain pills (which means we now literally have to suffer), they threaten to cut back what blessings we do have every year, and there is no feasible way to make it better.

Except to revolt, resist, and burn it down!

Peacefully.

So I saved my pennies, placed my bets on veganism, sustainability, and my love of burgers——and may or may not have broken my contract. So if (and when) this all-powerful timocracy of billionaires’ businesses continues to destroy itself; and America is taken over by the Russians; and “The Darkness” continues to spread like the mark of the beast; and the only power that reigns, is the money that they find in your bank account. And like so many times before, when the poor and the sick and the colored and queer are gathered up to be shot or hanged the way they were when America Was Great (Again), perhaps my singular share of capital stock in Beyond Beef Inc. (and my bright purple beard) will save me.

Love and Light


Corey Saucier is an artist and writer living in Los Angeles. He is a Lambda Literary Fellow in Fiction and Non-Fiction and is currently looking for a publisher for his first novel. His musings and wanderings on Love, Life, and Nonsense can be found at www.justwords.tumblr.com.